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June 30, 2005

Oh, Canada...

The trip to Toronto was a real healthy and enjoyable experience for both of us.  It felt nice to be surrounded by friends and loved ones and to also feel a sense of hope for the future. There was one day a bunch of us went down to the lakefront and decided to walk around Toronto. We had such a good time. There was a moment where I broke away and made my way to the end of a pier jutting out into the lake. I sat there and listened to the water, smelling the wet air, looking at the alien skyline and tried to picture myself living in this city.

I could.

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I feel at home here, and in awe of the city, but at the same time I am petrified. Will we make it? Can we afford it? What will we do? Then I looked back at the water and felt the sea breeze on my face and I was assured it would all be OK.

I really enjoyed my trip to Toronto this past week - and I was saddened with the idea of having to go home. This trip has exceeded my expectations in so many ways - both positive and negative.

The city has exceeded my expectations! The diversity, safety and openness of this city has floored me. I feel like I have walked across the whole place and have only seen a fraction of the city. The more I stay here and explore the more I went to set down permanent roots. We picnicked on the Toronto Islands one day - such a beautiful and tranquil place, I felt instantly at peace. I sat on the grassy knoll and stared up at the sky where I did a small meditation planting a piece of myself in Toronto. One way or another I will live in this city.

One night, as I walked down Church Street making my way back to the hotel room, I was in a sea of people at 12:30 in the morning. Something I have yet to experience in any major pride I've been too. Fighting against the current I streamed by straight couples, poly-amorous triads, gay bois and bears. There were asians, blacks, latino/as, whites and every colour in-between. I heard Punjabi dance music in the background (which I want a CD of!) and heard four languages in the span of 1 block as I made my way trough the crowd. This was different, this was empowering and safe at the same time. For the first time in a long time I was proud of who I am and the uniqueness that I bring to the table.

Anyway, I think we've decided to rent a house the first year we are here, preferably in Cabbage-town, or off the Danforth - until we get established and then we will look at buying a place.  Did some searching of places and its actually quite reasonable - we just need to really start focusing on saving money and paying off bills (as well as fixing up the house to sell.) I just hope we can get jobs quickly...Mason keeps joking about becoming a bartender.

The country has exceeded my expectations! Simply being here this entire week and witnessing Canadian culture and life I start to understand why many people state that Canada is where they want to live. The visit was topped of by Parliament passing the  same-sex marriage act - we can't even have that discussion back home, much less make it legal in the country.  I told Mason that I was taking it as a sign from the heavens that this is where we are suppose to be.

We met some other couples during Pride at the immigration booth.  They stated that the Buffalo office has really been working hard on applications and that they have heard of people getting through in as little as six-months - for a moment my heart fluttered and then I remembered that I needed to calm down and be patient.....GOD that is so hard!

Some expectations I could have done without - the more than hot enough heat, the high prices of booze and the drama amongst friends. Mason, also had a hard time with his informational interviews - its becoming clearer that he is really going to have to work it if he wants to get into the cable business here.  He seemed a little down-trodden, but I can understand - I think he is going to have the bigger adjustment than I am.  Living in Denver his entire life this is totally alien to him.

All-in-all it was just what we wanted and needed.  We've both come away from the experience more resolved in our determination to make it to Canada, and happier to have met more people and gotten to know the city and culture better.  I still remember one of the first text messages I got on my phone from our friend Bruce when we landed in Toronto..."Welcome home!"

Oh, Canada!

Posted by Nikolas at 06:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 20, 2005

43:40:12N 79:22:12W

Mason and I will be taking a very much deserved, and very much needed vacation this week to Toronto.  We leave Wednesday and will be staying for a week.  Partly to enjoy Pride, partly to explore our new future home city and partly to network and scope things out (the man already has three informational interviews lined up!)  Needless to say I'm going to try an enjoy every moment of it, but sometimes the "what if" generator seems to put a wrench in the works. 

Anyway, I'll post when I get back - hope you all have a great week!

Posted by Nikolas at 10:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 16, 2005

Fear

I don’t know what it is but I had an overwhelming sense of fear cascade over me yesterday about our impending move to Canada. I had chatted a bit with Geoff and I had been reading some stuff on-line about Canada and Toronto, immigration and moving and all of a sudden it hit me:

We are really doing this.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want this…it’s just that it seems a bit more real now. A little over a decade ago I picked up everything and moved to Denver, and for the past few years I have been lamenting about the fact that I want out of Denver, and that this place no longer feels like home to me. However, the idea of picking up and moving our lives, to another country is really starting to hit me.

I started thinking about when I moved to Colorado in 1994 and my only support system was Rebecca – the only person I knew here. She let me sleep on her futon for two weeks, but then she made it clear I needed to be out and in my own apartment. I respect her now for that move – she wanted me to be independent and self-starting, but all I can really remember is the pain and loneliness of moving to a city I didn’t know and with only one friend who kept me at arm’s length. Blame the moody, insecure Cancer in me for that one…

It’ll be different this time. I’m older and wiser, more educated and in a better financial spot. I have a loving partner and two great dogs that will cuddle and nuzzle me (respectively) when I have a bad day or feel the loneliness and pain creeping up. There will be some more friends and acquaintances in Toronto then what I had in Denver in 1994, but in a life-lesson I learned a long time ago the only real support I will have is myself (and now my partner) and that makes me feel like a scared 18-year old all over again.

I’m not sure where I am going with this – I just needed to get it out.

Posted by Nikolas at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 12, 2005

They thought I was crazy

Not about Canada, but I can't not say something...

They thought I was crazy when I told them that the next thing to be popping up were going to be gay concentration camps. They thought I was stupid and bitter about Bush winning re-election. They thought that I was just being paranoid, well fuckers here is your answer:

A blog that tracks the activities of ex-gay ministries made a post recently that sent shockwaves out.  A 16-year old boy, Zach, has been sent to a residential treatment center for children who are struggling with homosexuality. The kid told his parents he was gay and they decided to send him off to what in my professional opinion amounts to a concentration camp. There is no therapeutic benefit to this program - it is all based on religious doctrine and encourages patients to kill itself. The director of the facility believes in this type of therapy:

"I would rather you commit suicide than have you leave Love In Action wanting to return to the gay lifestyle. In a physical death you could still have a spiritual resurrection; whereas, returning to homosexuality you are yielding yourself to a spiritual death from which there is no recovery." --The Final Indoctrination from John Smid, Director, Love In Action (LIA).

I am LIVID. Words cannot express how angry I am right now. It is taking every once of my being not to cover these people in so much dark energy that they'd be shitting coal. I've said this before but my parents tried to do the same thing to me. They tried to send me to a camp in up-state New York to change me. Luckily I ran and turned 18 soon after that, but to think what my life may have been like if they had succeeded. This young man does not deserve this, he does not deserve to be treated this way and get so fucked up mentally he will be in therapy for years afterward.

You sickened by this too?  You want to do something about it?  Here are your options:

  • Contact the Shelby County Department of Human Services in Tennessee at 1-877-237-0004 to report the abuse and neglect that is happening to Zach.  They will be mandated to do an investigation.
  • Contact the Administrator for Shelby County Antionette Holman (antionette.holman@state.tn.us) at the Department of Human Services and tell her why you think Zach's case should be investigated.

Contact the media and politicians in Memphis, Tennessee and tell them how you feel:

By the way, this is Zach...just so you can put a face with this pain:

Posted by Nikolas at 03:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 11, 2005

Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet...

I'm tired of waiting.  There, I've said it - I know it sounds selfish and non-productive but I really don't care at this point.  I want to move to Canada, and I want to move now!

Mason and I decided a while ago to suffer through our jobs (they really are horrible at this point) and try to eliminate our debt, and spruce up the house so when the time came we could easily pick up and move to Canada.  This seems to become harder and harder with each passing day.  Our jobs seem to be become more strenuous, and I'm starting to develop an aversion to Denver.  It seems whatever opportunity I have to flee the city I take.  The upcoming trip at the end of the month to Toronto is not helping.  Perhaps I'll find myself a nice big hunky Canadian Bear to marry...(just kidding Mason and CIC!)

I know I sound like a big whiner, but I'm taking a self-pity moment...OK, over it :-)

Actually the trip at the end of the month should be a lot of fun.  I'm looking forward to seeing what Toronto is like during the summer.  We spent the Winter Holidays in Toronto and survived -32C days, so now it seems like I'll get to experience the hot summer nights.  I think that this time Mason and I plan on exploring the city a little bit more, maybe even check out the housing market and talk to a Realtor about what we would need to do about buying/renting a house.  He also has some informational interviews lined up when we get there.  Then of course there is Pride, but in reality that has never been a big thing for me.  Something about a bunch of guys in leather thongs dancing to Cher on a float designed by a drag queen on a meth binge doesn't quite do it for me.  I live every day with Pride in who I am, what I do, and how I do it...why flaunt it for one day to an awful soundtrack? 

I'll be there for the booze and the friends :-)

Posted by Nikolas at 09:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 05, 2005

45 Boxes

Almost a year ago our good friends and neighbours, C&J, decided to take the ultimate plunge and leave the United States.  They put their house on the market and it sold within a matter of days.  They packed up their little home, three doggies and decided to break out for a new life in Slovenia, but eventually settled down in Austria.  Knowing little German, living off the equity of their home and trying to find their place amongst the stars they started a journey that still continues today. 

It was around this time last year when C broke the news to us, and Mason and I were shocked.  We cried, tried to talk them out of it, and did all the stupid things that most of our friends now try to do to us about Canada.  Eventually, we realized we were their friends and offered our assistance and gave them our blessings.  In a way, Mason and I envied them - the new life and adventure they were going to start.  I think it was at that time that the seed about Canada planted itself into our minds.  We were growing weary of Denver and the politics in the United States, our jobs and home seemed monotonous (still does), and for the first time in a while the city that I called my adoptive home for well over a decade had lost its fiery spirit.  It was time to look for something else - and it had to be outside of the United States.

We considered Greece since it would be easy for me to get my citizenship there because of my parents, but it would be hard on Mason because of the language barrier - don't get me wrong he has picked up a few phrases, but not enough to do business in.  The other option was getting my EU citizenship and moving to the United Kingdom.  English, Pubs and dreary weather - it seemed like a good fit, but London is expensive and we don't know anyone there.  It was then that we realized that we had a great neighbour to the North of us.  They speak English (& French), we don't have to bring converters and rewire our electronics, and their government is actually truthful (except that whole sponsorship thing), and we could drive there.  Mason and I fell in love with Vancouver about 3 years ago when we went there for a vacation, but in the end we opted for Toronto because the job prospects are better and we know some people there.  Also it gets me back to the East Coast - which I have been missing lately.  So three months after they left we followed their lead and started on our Paperwork with CIC.

But, back to C&J - there were occasional updates in an e-mail and then the late night phone calls where it was early morning in Austria.  There were talks about a summer trip out there, but then Canada started turning out to be more and more of a reality and we opted to start saving money.  In there latest e-mail, it seems as though C&J may be moving to the United Kingdom...so a trip to London before we move to Toronto may be in order.  She has a blog going now, which I will be checking out occasionally...appropriately enough it's named 45 Boxes.  Their dream turned into a nightmare and then turned into reality, but if I can read between C's lines there are no regrets.  I know she and J are happy - and in the end, that's what they were looking for.

I don't expect this move to Canada to be easy, or to be bliss.  I moved half-way across a continent 11-years ago with nothing more then 4 boxes, a dufflebag and $800 in my pocket, but the last 11-years have been nothing short of miraculous.  I've met people, had experiences and traumas that have shaped me into the person of today.  Of that, I expect Toronto to do the same to me in my 30's, as to what Denver did to me in my 20's.

On the bulletin board next to the computer is a handmade card they gave us before they left.  With a hand-drawn picture (they are magnificent artists!) of a beer bottle for J, a Martini for Mason (three olives of course) a glass of wine for C and a Margarita with rocks and salt for Me.  It encapsulates our many Sunday dinners and weekend BBQ's with each other.  Of our trips to Paris and the mountains, our drinking late into the night in our little barrio neighbourhood - enjoying each others company and thinking of the future, and of our friendship. 

So in a way, thank you C&J for opening the door, but we still miss you terribly.

Posted by Nikolas at 09:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 01, 2005

Busy month

Sorry I have not posted in a while, but May was a very busy month for me.  Mason seems to have abandoned the idea of updating Destination, so it falls on my shoulders, but that's OK because I really do enjoy it.  Ended up going to Atlanta and Los Angeles this week and then had tons of stuff to do at work.  I'm looking forward to a non-eventful May , and then on the 22nd we leave for Toronto for our second visit to the beautiful city of our future.

I had someone ask me today if we were "still doing that Canada thing."  When I told them yes, they seemed surprised and wished me well.  What did they think?  That after months of going over paperwork with a fine-tooth comb and almost CAD$1000 we would say, nah....let's move to Montgomery instead?  I think many people took it as a farce and a joke when we told them.  Oh, ha ha the gay boys are running away to Canada, how cute.  No it's gotten nastier - people see us as traitors and cry-babies...whats worse is that some of them are our friends...how very sad.  It's so much more than wanting to leave the regime of GWB...I want to see the world and live differently, experience another culture and another place.  I don't want to live in Denver for the rest of my life...

So I have hope.  Laura over at WMTC was all done within 13 months...we are in Month 3 since we received our letter - it's conceivable that we could be out of here by next Spring and that kind of excites and scares me at the same time.

Anyway, we are going to Toronto in June to visit some friends, check out what the city is like in the summer and for Mason to line up some informational interviews.  I wish it was for good, but I guess we'll have to wait a little while longer ;-)

Posted by Nikolas at 09:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack